PRAYER - WHAT?, WHY? and HOW?
If you rarely pray, or have never prayed by yourself before, this page is particularly for you.
(Hopefully, it will also have something for everyone!)
You can:
- Just read through this page from top to bottom
- Click on one of the headings below and go straight there
(Paragraphs in smaller type/italics contain addional Bible references. You can miss these out if you wish, perhaps to follow up another time. Bible quotations are from the New Revised Standard Version Anglicized Edition. ***)
What is prayer?
Talking with God - though not always with words!
What is prayer?
The Bible doesn’t answer that question directly. The nearest it comes to that is probably in Jesus' teaching on prayer in Luke 11:2, when he says "When you pray, say 'Father...'".
According to Jesus, praying can mean saying something. More important - what is said is said to God (our Father). Prayer is, or, at least, involves, talking with God.
The Bible often tells us about people who pray - people who talk with God - though it doesn't always use the word 'pray'. Right from the beginning, the Bible describes God and human beings 'in conversation'. People seemed to want to pray, or thought they needed to pray, or maybe even thought they had to pray. And God evidently wanted them to pray - he responded (for example, Genesis 18:23-33) or, quite often, started the 'conversation' (for example, Exodus 3:4). You can find some more examples in the paragraphs in smaller italic type at the end of this section.
(If you are unfamiliar with the Bible and Bible references, take a look at the page What is the Bible?.)
Thinking of prayer as 'Talking with God' is probably the simplest way to begin to discover what prayer is, and many people understand it that way. But prayer is a lot more than that.
Perhaps the first thing to realise is that to pray doesn’t mean we have to say words out loud. God doesn't just hear what we say - he knows our every thought as well (see, for example, Psalm 139:1-4). So a silent thought, or words 'spoken' inwardly, or a time of meditation can be just as much a prayer as words spoken out loud. And 'spoken' prayers do not always have to be intelligible words. A cry of pain – or a shriek of joy – can be prayer. We'll be discovering more of what prayer is as we go on.
The Bible tells us about many different people praying, or talking with God. Usually, the 'conversation' is just between God and one person, for example Jesus in Matthew 26:36-46, Moses in Deuteronomy 9:26, Stephen in Acts 7:59 and Hannah, who prayed both silently (1 Samuel 1:9-18) and aloud (1 Samuel 2:1-10). Sometimes more are involved, for example we read of the whole church praying in Acts 4:23-31 .
Most of the psalms are prayers, prayed by people in a variety of situations. Their names sometimes appear at the start of the psalm. They obviously thought it was worth writing their prayers down, perhaps to pray again or so that other people could pray them. Many of the psalms would also be used by the whole community in worship.
^TOP^
Talking and listening
It's important to remember that prayer is not 'one-way'. It's not just people speaking to God; God may speak to us. As we've already seen, in the Bible it was often God who started the 'conversation'.
When God speaks to us it's usually through our thoughts - his 'words' are rarely spoken audibly. It may happen while we are thinking about God, perhaps while we meditate on a Bible story, or on a piece of Christian art or music. It may happen when we think about some matter that concerns us - perhaps one for which we need God's guidance or help. But there are no restrictions on when God will choose to speak; it can happen at any time or place.
God may also speak to us through events, or through the words of other people, perhaps when we think about those events or words afterwards. But, however it happens, prayer is two-way communication. Prayer is not just talking to God - it's listening to him as well, although the 'listening' is not so much peeling our ears back to catch the sound as being ready to discern what may be from God amongst the many ideas that come into our minds and the many experiences we have.
God spoke to Abram (Abraham) in Genesis 12:1-3. The prophets heard 'the word of the Lord', for example Hosea 1:1, Joel 1:1 and Jonah 1:1. God spoke to Peter as he prayed on the rooftop in Joppa in Acts 10:9-16.
^TOP^
Prayer is...a lot more than talking...
Talking, listening, thinking, meditation, silence, cries of joy or of pain – we have already seen that prayer is much more than just talking with God. We will discover more as we go on. Prayer can be an exciting and joyful adventure - even if, at times, it can be frustrating and difficult.
We will think mainly about talking, because it’s a good place to start, but feel free to try other ways of praying if you think God is leading you that way.
You may like to look at the page 'Prayer - A Meditation'. It contains many lines beginning 'Prayer is…' and may help you discover something more of the riches of prayer. But don’t rush it – leave them for later if you want to move more slowly at first.
^TOP^
Why should I pray?
God loves you - he wants your prayers
Prayer involves talking and listening to God and much more besides, but why do it? Some people will have a simple ready answer - they want to ask God for something, or thank him for something. Like the folk in the Bible mentioned above, they want or feel they need to pray.
Wanting to pray is a very good reason to pray - but it isn't the most important reason. The most important reason to pray is that God wants your prayers. He loves you - and he wants to hear from you, like a friend who would like a call from you or a father who wants to hear from his child. And he may have something to say to you.
So don't wait until you have something to say to him - just call, even if it's only to do the equivalent of saying 'hello'! Besides, good friends - and lovers - may sometimes just spend time together in silence; spending time in silence with God is actually a very valid way to pray. You don't have to speak to each other all the time!
God's love is mentioned many times in the Bible - probably the best known place is John 3:16. But you'll find it, for example, in the Psalms (for example Psalm 100:5) and Paul's letters (for example Romans 5:8 and Romans 8:38-39). Proverbs 15:8 tells us 'the prayer of the upright is his [God's] delight' and Paul tells us to pray in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 and that it is God's will for us to do so (Rejoice...Pray...Give thanks... for that is the will of God). Jesus' teaching of the Lord's Prayer ('Our Father') in Matthew 6:7-13 is virtually a command to pray.
Examples of spending time in silence with God are rarely explicit in the Bible, but the 'sound of sheer silence' in which God spoke to Elijah (1 Kings 19:12) is probably one. Others are Psalm 4:4 ('When you are disturbed...ponder it on your beds, and be silent') and Psalm 131:2 ('I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother.'). And when Jesus spent the night in prayer (Luke 6:12) it seems unlikely he and the Father spent every moment in animated conversation!
^TOP^
God is your friend - take time to enjoy his company
But the other reason - we want to pray - is almost as important, and not just because we may have something we want to say to God or ask of him.
Being a Christian isn't just a matter of believing certain things or doing certain things. Being a Christian is knowing God, indeed, it's loving God. It's a relationship rather than a religion, and Jesus told us to call God 'Father' (Luke 11:2). God is our loving, caring father, or, if that's not a helpful idea for you, he's our 'best friend' - Jesus also called his disciples 'friends' (John 15:12-15).
A friend is someone whose company you enjoy – someone you like talking to, listening to, spending time with and sharing activities with. If someone is your friend you both enjoy talking, listening, sharing and just being together. It’s what friendship is about, and it’s what makes the relationship flourish and grow.
We have that wonderful offer from Jesus to be our friend. What a privilege and a joy! Hopefully, you do think of God, or of Jesus, as your friend. It’s what being a Christian is about first and foremost – beliefs and rules come after.
If God is your friend, it's not just that he will want to hear from you. You'll want to talk to him, listen to him, share with him and spend time with him. You'll want to spend time enjoying his company, as you would with any other good friend.
And, of course, that’s prayer. You’ll want to pray, because you’ll want to build up and enjoy your friendship with God. If thinking of God as your friend seems a little odd at first, praying should soon change that as your relationship builds. And you'll want to pray yourself, not just leave it to someone who leads the prayers at church on Sunday. Besides, you'll want to do it more often than that.
The disciples obviously wanted to pray – they asked Jesus to teach them (Luke 11:1-4) – and in so doing he told them to address God as 'Father'. Jesus often wanted to get away to pray – for example Mark 1:35 (when he made an effort to get up early for it), Matthew 14:23, Luke 5:16, 6:12.
^TOP^
The purpose of prayer
Building up and enjoying your friendship with God – that’s the real purpose of prayer. Not to ask for things or get God to do things, but for you and God to enjoy and grow your relationship with each other. Praying is not something just you do; it’s something you and God do together. It’s worth remembering that, if God is your friend, you are God’s friend. God is someone you love and who loves you, and prayer is the way to enjoy and build up the relationship. That’s what prayer is all about – that’s what it’s for.
That’s not to say asking plays no part. Asking each other for things or for help is part of any good relationship. Jesus told us to ask (Matthew 7:7) even though he also said that God knows what we want before we ask (Matthew 6:8). Never mind it’s saying things God already knows about – telling God about your needs and desires is part of the sharing that builds up the love between you. It’s rather like saying ‘I love you’ to someone; it’s good to say it again and again even though they already know it’s true. So share your dreams with God – and keep on doing it. Also, hopefully, with time, your dreams and God’s will align. And God will share some of his dreams with you – he may well ask you for something!
That's a better way to understand what prayer is - not just talking with God but spending time enjoying God's company - talking, listening - and maybe even just spending time in silence together and growing closer together in love. Prayer is spending time with someone who loves you - and doing some of the things lovers do! Why should you pray? The reasons can be summed up by saying you pray because you and God enjoy one another's comapany.
If you feel God isn't your friend, perhaps it's time he was.
Perhaps you have never thought of prayer as 'enjoying God's company'.
Either way, you could be missing out. Why not go on to the 'How do I start?' section below and discover more.
^TOP^
Hang on! I'm not so sure about that. God doesn't seem loving or friendly to me!
You're not alone! Some people seem to have a bad experience of God, or an experience which makes them doubt if God loves them - or indeed if he even exists. If this is how you feel, read on.
Perhaps you believe he has dumped on you more than your fair share of problems - sickness, maybe, or the untimely death of someone close to you, or the breakup of your family or other relationships. Perhaps you have suffered as a result of some natural catastrophe. Why, you wonder, has God allowed this to happen to you?
Perhaps you feel God has failed to help when you needed him. Perhaps it's something else that's made you angry with God. But angry or upset with God you are - if, indeed, he exists. You may well doubt the existence of the loving God the Christian faith teaches - and if he does exist, you want to have a blazing row with him!
If this is you, then feel free to miss out the 'How do I start?' section! Go instead to 'What if I'm MAD at God?' further down the page - and then have your blazing row!
Or perhaps it's not what God has done or failed to do that is the problem - it's just that this loving, friendly God is not the one you recognise. Maybe in your understanding God is more of a tyrant - a sort of over-zealous policeman or schoolteacher, watching your every move and looking for an excuse to get you - or send you to hell!
Unfortunately, some people get that impression of God. It's probably the result of some well meant but quite misleading teaching - perhaps by an over-zealous teacher! But, while it is certainly true that God is concerned about our behaviour, and there are passages in the Bible that seem to bear the 'tyrant' image out, overall that tyrant figure is not the God portrayed in the Bible or taught by the church. In fact, God is working very hard to keep you out of hell! Try going on to 'How do I start?' and hopefully you will soon get to know God as someone who loves and cares about you.
^TOP^
How do I start?
Just say what you want to say...
When Jesus' disciples asked him to teach them to pray he didn't give them any special things to do. He didn't say 'Kneel down', or 'Stand up', or 'Put your hands together', or 'Hold your hands in the air'. He didn't tell them it had to be done at any special time or place.
All he said was, 'When you pray, say...,' and then gave them some words to say.
You can read the story in Luke 11:1-4. The words he gave them are a shortened version of what we now know as 'the Lord's Prayer', or the 'Our Father'.
Praying can be done at any time, in any place, and in any position! All you have to do is say what you want to say - or think the thought, or cry out, or whatever. The only difference between a prayer and anything else you might say (or think, or cry out) is that it really is what you want to say to God - and that you believe he hears.
^TOP^
Some tips...
However, there are some points that may help. Although prayer doesn't have to be spoken, Jesus told his disciples to say some words. Jesus knew it would be easier to start with a spoken prayer. So, if you are starting to pray for the first time, or fairly new to praying, try using some words. They can be spoken out loud, or in a tiny whisper, which only you and God can hear, or spoken inwardly – imagining yourself saying them without actually making a sound. Remember that God doesn't just hear what we say – he knows what is going on in our minds and hearts.
Again, praying doesn’t have to be done in a particular place, but Jesus did suggest it should be done in a room privately (Matthew 6:6). He was thinking about people who made a show of prayer – not something we are likely to do – but it’s a good idea anyway to get away alone somewhere quiet. Other people and other things will be less of a distraction, and you will probably prefer it particularly if you are going to pray out loud. But, if you can't get away, don't worry – you can pray anywhere.
It’s not a bad idea to pray out loud when you begin, but you may well find that, even if you do that, once you get used to praying you prefer to pray by ‘speaking inwardly’, or even just by holding what you want to pray about in your mind before God. But stick with praying out loud if you prefer.
It may help to close your eyes to reduce distractions, or you may prefer to look at something such as a cross or crucifix, a candle, an icon, or a picture. And, although you don't have to kneel, or stand, or hold your hands together or in the air, if you find it helps, do it! Holding a cross may also help – you can get crosses that are made for holding. (See pictures in left column.)
Another thing that will probably help is to clearly address your prayers to God. There's nothing complicated in that - just a matter of saying 'God, please do such and such,' rather than just 'Please do such and such'. If you prefer, you can address your prayer to Jesus ('Jesus, please do...') or use another title such as 'Father' - Jesus told his disciples to use that. You can say something like 'Loving God', or 'Lord Jesus', or 'Almighty God' ('almighty' means 'all - powerful'). All this doesn't mean that God will be more likely to hear - but it does help you to be clearer that you are not just making a wish list but are actually praying and indeed seeking to build up your relationship with God.
Using titles like 'Lord' and 'Almighty God' will help to remind you that having God as your friend is an enormous privilege as well as a joy. Having God as your friend doesn’t make him any less God. When you pray you are indeed spending time with a friend, but the friend is no less than Almighty God. Recognising that – recognising the privilege – is part of the joy of the friendship.
When Jesus taught his disciples to call God 'Father' (Luke 11:2) he added 'Hallowed [holy, greatly respected, revered] be your name. Your kingdom come.' The intimate relationship is with one who is holy, revered, a king.
^TOP^
But what shall I say?
You may already know what you want to say to God, but here are a few suggestions. From the previous paragraph it will be obvious that you can ask God to do something, or you can ask God for something, perhaps something you need or that you think will help you. And, if you are facing a difficult task or a big decision, try asking God for help or guidance. If you are unwell, try asking God for healing. You can always ask God for help and guidance anyway - even in the small things of life. And you can always ask to be reminded constantly of his love and presence; you can enjoy God's company all day, not just when you make a special effort to pray.
Jesus encouraged his disciples to ask for things in prayer, but it’s as well to remember that he usually told them to ask ‘in his name’ (see, eg. John 16:23-24). In simple terms that means we should ask for things that we believe Jesus would ask for, or would want us to have, not for just anything that takes our fancy!
You can also ask for things for other people. Praying for or on behalf of others is known as intercession. You can pray for members of your family, friends, people in some kind of need, church and community leaders - the list could be endless. Don't try to do too much - pray for what really matters or seems important to you at the time. You don't have to pray for everyone and everything every time!
But praying is more than just putting 'God please give me...' in front of a wish list, however well-meaning that wish list may be. For example, you may want to say 'Thank you' to God for something that has happened, or that he has already done for you. You may want to say 'Sorry' for something that you have done and now regret - and ask him to forgive you. And you may want to say something like, 'God, I love you' or 'God, you're wonderful'. Hopefully you will want to say all of these at some time. But don't bother to say anything you don't really mean. God knows what you really think! Remember the main reason why it is you pray - not to tell God things he already knows and cares about (and that's, well, everything!), but to enjoy his company - and for him to enjoy yours!
You can, of course, say the Lord's Prayer ('Our Father'), which is what Jesus taught the disciples to say. If you're new to praying and find it a bit difficult to follow, ask someone for help. You may also find it helpful to say prayers other people have written. There are many books of prayers published, and you might find the 'official' service books of the Church of England or other churches useful, such as the Church of England's 'Common Worship' and 'Common Prayer'. You may also find some of the Psalms in the Bible helpful.
^TOP^
If you have never prayed by yourself before...
If you have never prayed by yourself before, or hardly ever, you might like to use these words:
Lord Jesus,
I want to learn to pray.
I want to discover what it's like having you as a friend.
Please help me to do this.
Thank you for wanting to be my friend.
There's nothing 'magic' or sacred about those words, so if you want to change them to make them more personal, to say exactly what you think, do so. And you can say them more than once - if you said them today, be persistent, say them again tomorrow! And the next day - but, as you go on, try adding some new words of your own. Perhaps you could thank God for something. Or, if you have a problem, ask for his help.
^TOP^
I want to pray, but words fail me...
You may have a problem you want to bring to God, but just can't find words to express how you feel, or don't know what to ask for. Or perhaps you just find words or speaking difficult, or the whole idea of talking to God seems odd or embarrassing.
The first thing is to remember that you don't have to use words. For many people words are helpful, but not you - at least not now. But God knows your deepest thoughts and if you really want to pray just hold what concerns you in your mind in whatever way you can and God will know about it. More than that - St Paul tells us that God himself, by the Holy Spirit working within you, actually prays on your behalf! Paul says, '...we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words.' (Romans 8:26 NRSV) 'Intercedes' here just means 'prays'. You may find that difficult to understand, but rest assured, God hears you even if you can't speak or don't know what to say! Remember, we saw earlier that sitting in silence with God is actually a very valid way to pray.
^TOP^
Then what?
Whether you have prayed out loud, in a tiny whisper, in the silence of your thoughts or through the 'sighings of the Spirit', believe God has heard you! Believe he will respond! But remember that 'answers to prayer' are not always what we expect or even think we need. 'No', 'Wait' and 'I've got something else planned which is even better!' are answers we may get. And not all prayers need 'answers' in the ordinary sense of the word. Saying 'Thank you, God, you're wonderful' doesn't call for an 'answer'. But if we really mean it when we say it we are already enjoying God's company more!
But don't stop there! Praying is building a relationship and you have to keep on doing it! A 'best friend' isn't likely to be someone you have only ever spoken to once! Pray again, perhaps the next day, and again the next. Get to know God better each time! Get to love God better each time! In practice, a regular daily habit of prayer has much to recommend it - and you can do it more often if you wish!
^TOP^
What if I'm MAD at God?
You aren't the first or the only person to be mad at God! And some of the people who got upset with him were in the Bible!
How about the person who wrote Psalm 44, who said, 'Rouse yourself! Why do you sleep, O Lord? ..... Why do you forget our affliction and oppression?' (Psalm 44:23-24). Or Psalm 13 - 'How long, O Lord? Will you forget me for ever? ... How long must I bear pain in my soul...' (Psalm 13:1-2). And there are quite a few other examples.
(If you want to look, try Psalm 10, Psalm 22, Psalm 74, Psalm 88 and the second part of Psalm 89. Jeremiah the prophet had a moan, too (Jeremiah 20:7-18) and Moses got a bit exasperated (Exodus 33:12-17))
These guys weren't afraid to confront God with what they regarded as his shortcomings! Their language may sound a bit quaint, but there is no mistaking that they were fed up with him - and they said so.
But the point is, it was to God that they said it. If prayer is talking with God, talking can include having a row! They believed that what God wants to hear is not pious clichés or bogus claims of undying love but the honest truth. And if the truth was that they felt bad, mad or fed up they said so.
If you're mad at God - give it a try! Even if your approach up to now is to say you want nothing to do with God, or even doubt if he exists, try making an exception and see what happens. You can even say something like, 'God, if you do actually exist, why have you done this to me?' Try it a few times - and give God a chance to make some response. If he exists, and if he loves you, he will - though the esponse might come in a way you don't expect!
Even Jesus got mad at God. Hanging there on the cross, which must have been enough to put anyone off, he said, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?' (Mark 15:34) Actually he was quoting from one of the psalms, Psalm 22. It probably summed up what he thought pretty well. He must have said those words with feeling! But his saying them didn't stop God raising him from the dead!
God didn't respond by sending the angel Gabriel to take Jesus down from the cross and nurse him back to health. He had something better planned - resurrection - and that entailed letting Jesus suffer and die. God's response to our getting mad at him may not be to do what might seem to us to be the obvious like providing immediate relief.
^TOP^
And finally...
This page doesn't tell you everything there is to know about prayer. It just gives you a few hints - and, hopefully, helps you to get started if you haven't already. If you want to think about prayer some more, you may like to read the pages 'Prayer - A Reflection' and 'Prayer - A Meditation'. These say a little more about prayer, including saying some of what is on this page a little differently, and there are some more Bible passages you can look up and read if you want to.
You can download a '.pdf' version of this page which you can view onscreen or print. The '.pdf' version contains some additional material.
© Copyright David Gray 2006-2021
*** Bible quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Bible (Anglicized Edition) © copyright 1989, 1995 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America and are used by permission. All rights reserved.
^TOP^
Links to related pages:
Links to the main pages are at the TOP of the page.
Page last updated 14 August 2021.
This page has been checked for the validity of the HTML code with the
World Wide Web Consortium's (W3C) HTML Validation Service.
The style sheet associated with this page has been checked for the validity of the CSS with the
World Wide Web Consortium's (W3C) CSS Validator.
Page design by David Gray 2010
© Copyright David Gray 2010, 2021. Photographs copyright David Gray 2002-21
except where otherwise stated.
^TOP^
